I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
