He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
