And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
