I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize