I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
