He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
