Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
