Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
