well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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