you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
smell my finger.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Randomize
