The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
