Please, let me fuck your mom
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
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