Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
