her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Text me some of your sweat
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
