Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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