he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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