I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
