The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
