I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize