you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
