do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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