my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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