Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize