P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
