he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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