I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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