I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
