I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
