the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize