I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
