And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize