I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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