Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
