I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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