apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
