Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
