the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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