2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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