OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
