U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
