update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
