then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
