he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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