Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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