I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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