He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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