some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
cat food counts as protein by the way
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
A+ Viking dick
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
