I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
