Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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