Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
