If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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