I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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