and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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