; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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