dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
