Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
