Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
