I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We need a shit load of segways right now
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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