the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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