Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
