I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
